Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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