so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
