awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
