My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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