So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
