If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
