so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
