Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
