i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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