I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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