Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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