you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
