There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
