I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
