fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
