That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
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