So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
