I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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