We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Randomize
