After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Randomize
