oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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