Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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