so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
