Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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