You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
