I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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