I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
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