He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Vodka?
Forever.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
