Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
