just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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