Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize