Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
