No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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