Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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