I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Randomize
