there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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