All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
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