If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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