We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Randomize
