i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Randomize
