He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I think i got beer on your cat.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
