i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
