got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
