it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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