I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
