Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
