Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
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