Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
