2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
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