I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
