you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
