Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
