So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
