Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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