I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
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