When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
