how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
