Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
