I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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