I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
