The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
