just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I think my moral compass just broke
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
