i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
