Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
